To my love…

Because I can never share these words with you, because you will never understand or listen to my womanly emotional thoughts. I shall share it here… for every other human being that has experienced love and loss in their lives to read it and bask in the glory of life itself.

I was the awkward turtle, the girl in her group of ridiculously beautiful friend that held their handbags and kept their seats when guys would talk to them. The girl that had all this potential but never truly obtained any of it because my mindset always made myself that girl.

So I changed, I chose to be unapologetically me, I chose to follow my dreams and desires and I vowed to always be humble and true to myself no matter what. And guess what? Life came to the party! I began to excel in my studies , I made amazing real friends , I became the human being that I always saw myself as. That’s when I met my best friend, whom at the time I had NO idea would become the person that I would hold closest to my heart. It was an encounter , so random , in a hotel lobby with both sets of our parents along side us, a simple hello – we are going to be studying together. I completely brushed it off, blushed to the side and moved on. This stranger has made eye contact with me so intensely and so non judgmentally that it left me very uneasy so I ignored it and vowed to stay away , because well I needed to study and focus on that aspect of this new venture in life.

I continued about and as the universe had it we became inseparable , he became my best friend. No romance, just 2 human beings that had found each other on a tiny island against all odds. We were each other’s strengths , we grew each other , through all of his relationships with various girls, through all of my hard times with my physical appearance , through life’s lemons and especially through the good times.

It wasn’t until 2.5 years of this amazing friendship had manifested that a moment of INTENSITY occurred, it was after dinner I was leaving his apartment in my little white car (that died soon after this encounter), that we had this moment of fire … that changed everything for us , it was the moment that spurred on feelings we had maybe been masking or developing over time and we both knew from that day onward that we had to solidify it or confirm that feeling. Best way? Like any other 20 odd year old human being – to seal it with a kiss!

Flash forward a month or 2 and the magical kiss occurred on my Birthday 2014. It was a lot of ups and downs there after, a lot of benefits, a lot of turmoil for our minds. A lot of escaping and really treating each other in an utterly confused manner. A lot of not being able to own up to such intense love at such a young age, until we decided to actually stick around even after distance separated us.

We consciously tried to make it work and successfully did so for 2 whole years until 2019 hit us in the face. 2 years of long distance , 2 years of exams , failure, hardships , not having jobs , trying to adapts to our now new lives back in our family homes, trying to encompass it all and make it all work , we were truly a ticking time bomb. And I used to think to myself, if we can make it through this absolute shit, we can make it through anything, this time in our lives truly tested our relationship.

We both had never felt so complete, so whole and so happy. But what I thought was happy was making him feel less of a man, he said that the love took over his world, he said that, that’s all he could see and he felt as if he was losing himself. He broke me down with words, tore all the love we had into shredded tiny pieces and scattered it all over the place. He made me feel as if my womanly energy had destroyed his masculine greatness , and that was the point at which I knew I needed to detach myself. HE has lost himself , so because I loved him so much and don’t think I’ll ever stop, I removed myself so that he could feel whole again. I took away my happiness to see him thrive again. It just makes my heart so heavy that it had to be at the expense of our beautiful love. I hope people see us for what we are, I hope the universe brings people like you and I back together in a non toxic way, I hope there’s some magical reason or explanation for this terrible life lesson that we’ve been dealt with. I hope there’s a win for us both soon!

I know when you started reading this you thought it would turn out great hey? All the best friendships end with great love. Yes I know we love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship last. Don’t get me wrong , I still dream or rather hope, that he would rock up at my front door, just with himself and his mind, I still have hope even though I know I shouldn’t. But that’s what never escaped from Pandora’s box? HOPE, the fundamental start and end to all misery.

It isn’t enough when 2 can’t seem to tango together , it isn’t enough when 2 can’t see eye to eye. MINDSET , is the 1st pillar that holds relationships together.

So to my love, the one that I loved and still love so very dearly , firstly thank you for being honest with yourself and with me and letting me go. Thank you for breaking me down and making me stronger. Thank you for making me feel so lost in life now that I really have no choice but to rise from my own ashes. Thank you for this major reality check in life , to say that life is definitely far from perfect and I shouldn’t have ever gotten my hopes up.

Thank you for the most painful reminder , that in life there is only me, and everything else is simply along side my being , I walk these roads alone and always will.

Thank you for making me understand that I have to do this on my own.

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The next available line is reserved for you…

The journey of becoming a Doctor is never a path that’s easy and done so in a timeous manner. I’ve been attempting this journey now for 8 years of my life , and let me tell you it gets more tiresome and difficult to pursue with each waking day.

Let me explain myself a little better, I studied outside of South Africa (my birth country) completes my medical Degree only to come back to my country and suffer at the hands of an overcrowded and poorly managed system. A system that has now had me waiting almost 2 years post- graduating to simply be eligible to complete my internship and to actually start those 2 years of essential development for any doctor out there.

It’s been grueling and fighting this process has had myself and colleagues firstly TERRIFIED of victimization, exhausted from minimal responses and waiting and wasting ours of our youth calling call centers for responses on the likes of our OWN livelihood. Can you imagine? OTHER people are in charge of my career not me! (Said no entrepreneur ever).

So when I say becoming a Doctor is difficult, it’s not because I feel like it’s challenging to save lives or assist in human well being , I absolutely love and love for that. I mean to say there are so many rules and regulations in place that don’t make sense, patient care has become centered around money making and convoluted viewed on worthiness. Yet we are still expected to stand strong , bend the knee and abide by the stringent rules in place.

Extending my wait to pursue my career, maybe just be “another 6 months” to a person sitting behind a desk or in front of a telephone – that happily goes to eat lunch every day and takes their decent salary at the end of each month – and actually sleeps well at night.

But for me and people like me it means another 6 months of trying to find a job that no company wants to hire me for (because there are way more qualified and experienced people in a better position for that job than I am).

It also means 6 more months of emotional turmoil , judgement from anyone and everyone , strain on any relationship and a deep deep depression like coma that we have to fight with each waking day.

Nowadays when I see an unemployed person begging on the side of the road, I no longer over look why they are o the streets because I know how painfully difficult is to find a job! (And I say that with a degree in my pocket and a roof over my head). It has been the most humbling experience of my life. It has made me make so many breakthrough discoveries about myself and where and whom I would like to be one day.

My goals in life have changed DRAMATICALLY now! I no longer want to be a good doctor. I no longer want to work for the rest of my life and further my studies only in medicine and serve my country. My thirst for all of that has faded and dried up.

I now want to be a master of all fields (the kind of person that can answers most questions in a general knowledge quiz night). I want to no longer be called a “doctor” I want to be a human being , that pursued and does as many things as I can, because I will never subject myself to these past 1.5 years again. I will no longer wait hours on a phone to get no response and then call back again, because I have no other option.

I will satisfy all aspects of my life without giving that privilege to someone that’s not even going to remember my name. I guess in essence I should say thank you, thank yo for making me that much stronger and for helping me realize the way of the world. I hope that person sitting on the other end of that call, the constantly doesn’t pick up, learns these lessons too.

A life lesson that I will carry with me forever.

#medicine #doctor

Disconnected

The fundamentals of living. We breath, drink, eat, provide our body and souls with a sense of nourishment (eat , sleep , rave repeat -as easy as our Dear Calvin Harris put it down). But in my own experience it doesn’t always seem to be this mundane day to day experience and God forbid that – I mean who wants that?

Life for me has slowly but surely turned out to be a challenge with each waking day. I wake up to the thought of still waiting to pursue my career (though having qualified just over a year ago). I wake up each day open up my laptop to search for new jobs that fit my tiny box of qualifications (that society dictated to me). I wake up numb to an environment where my purpose each day is to find a purpose. Let me tell you, it’s the most emotionally challenging and thought provoking time in ones life. You begin to question the reason you even chose such a career path, and why you had to choose one in the first place ? You start to wonder if you’ve wasted 8-10 years of your life pursuing a dream that perhaps has no silver lining.

As dull and pessimistic as this post sounds, this period in my life has been really good and bad for me at the same time.

Good?

Well I’ve had a chance to slow things down after the hustle and bustle of decision making and growing up in school – followed by the crazy college days and late nights. I’ve had a chance to break down every atom in my mind and body an figure out what exactly makes this version of myself tick – and decide whether I liked that version or not. I got so deep into my persona that I figured out things I didn’t even know needed figuring out.

The bad?

Figuring out all these things has been a painful process at the most. The world we live in is so progressive and it has literally felt like I’ve been missing that bus every single day for a year. You get frowns and concerned faces of loved ones (and not so loved ones) that are confused as to how you lead your life with no societal status and purpose with each sunrise and sunset. You begin to question EVERYTHING and yes sometimes your relationships suffer as a result of that. I became slow, woke up late, did less, fed my soul less, became disconnected entirely.

Maybe that’s the point though, disconnecting is essential in our lives . I’m not saying bum around for a year or stress about jobs like me everyday. I’m saying take time in your life to disconnect and free your mind off everything that makes you that worker bee. Hike a mountain , close your eyes and try to meditate, drive without music and anger. Take time for yourself , and give yourself the some attention. Because I can assure you , you will never guess that you needed it, I definitely didn’t.

You might hate it, like I did initially- for the painful experiences and really hard questions I had to ask myself. I hated the fact that I had to be hard on myself, only because I had a year to wait around. That hate soon turned into love- and I think it’s taught me the most valuable lesson for when I do enter the working class world eventually.

I will always take time NOW onward to disconnect.

Photo caption: found this on a restaurant menu last week

The anti-attitude

Some days I truly can be the most negative human alive. A tiny little incident can tick my entire brain off and change my mood into a futile , gross old lady with a green apple in hand (though I’d rather just throw it at you and knock you out, than pull a Snow White and the 7 dwarf skit on you). I think I have a very sensationalized and generally happy imagination normally, so when life kind of shows me that middle finger it just slowly breaks me every time and I become more and more closed up and it forces the bitter pill of reality down my throat every time.

Truth is nothing in this world is perfect, I can’t change people , heck who am I to think I should even try? Life is just a series of events that happen to be fortunate and unfortunate. We keep spirally and growing only for the same broken record like voice.

Take everyday as it comes , live through your eyes and not through screens, loved ones, petty or prejudice and I think if you successfully manage to accomplish that much ,your bad day will decrease.

I’m trying to be as positive as I possible can, always without compromising my native subconscious mind and integrity as a human being . I will always listen to the other side of the story but be sure to not sway too easily when those views start to trash or wrongly accuse my own moral compass.

There is SO much of information available to us at any point in time , I mean there are life coaching videos available at just a swipe of your Instagram feed, there are specialized psychologists and therapists designed to work with your mind, not to mention thousands of videos of motivation speakers and people shoving a whole lot of factual statistics down your throat ( that none of us tend to EVER question) as well as their opinions on what your life should be, or better yet what they think you should do… if you’re faced with …

How on earth does one sift out the bullshit from the real shit? How does one accomplish a stable piece of mind with so much information just bursting at every corner of your realm? How do you simple be you, when the world and all it’s applications or quotes or trends , are trying so hard to make you a follower and not a pioneer.

The funny part being ,that we’re supposed to learn so much more because so much more is Available to us , but sometimes it just makes me think we’re learning what we’ve been preplanned to learn eventually, like our destinies have been mapped out – even down to our own births into this world.

That’s when I become closed up and I become anti- everything , because what can I really trust other than my own brain, and all it’s levels of questionable psychiatric pathology. Who am I?

Series review : Black Mirror

Fun fact: it’s a word play “Black Mirror” – I’ll let you figure that one out.

I’m going to jump on the bandwagon of my preview post and say Do yourself the biggest favour and watch a Netflix series called Black Mirror. There are 3 seasons thus far (I’m not sure if there are more to come though ) and basically each episode doesn’t really follow through to the next one so they can be watched at random -to those of you who aren’t really keen on series binging .Episodes vary in length but a guesstimation would be to calculate starring at that screen for approximately an hour per episode.

It’s basically about technology , and how advanced it could become in years to come, and truly makes you questions the positives and negatives. I won’t lie it can become seriously uncomfortable to watch at times and really tantalizes those neuronal receptors in your cranium. But I rate it’s worth it if you have an inquisitive and a keen mind and if you’re open minded to this universe and all it’s weird and wonderful outlets.

Give it a shot and let me know.

Is your life becoming a meme?

Hello 21st century!!!

Isn’t it fascinating how technology has just been accelerating at a hyperbolic curved rate ever since we can remember? I mean a couple years ago CDs were a thing, a couple years ago GPS navigation with perfectly mapped out roads and traffic guided ETAs- did not exist…Can you even imagine a world without cellphones, or 3D movies or WiFi now? Didn’t think so!

we’ve evolved into such advanced and analytical beings. To think the defining moment in our lives as Homo Sapiens was the ability to harness the worlds resources and discover and utilize fire. Such a simple aspect that separated us from the rest of the Apes.

Flash forward a couple hundred years… and we were taking that fire and utilize it to control, divide, manipulate- mind, body and soul of all matter – living and non living- take those same flames and blast them off to discover new planets , create entire empires , massive infrastructure , skyscrappers , companies , systems and develop world changing companies like Space X and Tesla. The growth is truly exponential and to keep up you obviously have to be current, utilize and grow with the technology- because let’s face it, fighting it, is a never ending battle to nowhere.

So we agree, we grow with the technology, buy our kids I-Pads before they can even hold a scissor properly . We engage in social media (ironic hey), even dating has become a swipe of a finger or perhaps a more familiar phrase “sliding into DMs”. Like I said you have to be current to keep up, to be able to make a difference in this world. But did it ever occur to you that , that hour or 5 of your day you spend aimlessly scrolling down a newsfeed or scanning for likes or followers could be utilized learning something, making real humanly connections or perhaps just sitting back , rejuvenating and appreciating the nature (in most cases lack there off) around you?

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for media, getting your message across, and not socially “outcasting” yourself from your peers or colleagues, but did it ever occur to you that we spend SO much of our time , basically doing nothing. It’s like the term couch potato- now also evolved- because you can just pick that tiny screen up and take it where ever you will ( I’m sure health insurance companies would promote that one ).

I think what I’m trying to say is be present in every real and not virtual moment you have in your life , stop letting coffee dates be determined by WiFi codes , and stop allowing yourself to feed into the negativity and truly downward spiral of constant media and technology exposure. Look up away from that phone and notice the cute guy in front of you (who I’m sure is also staring at a screen). Take less photos and make more memories. Throw less “shade” at others , even better if you’re going to do that don’t be a coward and do it over social media. Be direct , sift out the bullshit and create relationships and friendships that are going to last you a lifetime. I surely wouldn’t want to be equated to a damn meme, a mindless empty thought.

Stop letting the technology take over, prevent yourself from dumbing down and grow along side the beauty that we’ve created. We would be truly defeated if we bent the knee to the hardrives we’ve engineered so carefully and intelligently.

Allow your raw natural and unfiltered humanly instinct to remain intact and remember the fire that burns within your soul.

Book Reviews : “The Power” by Naomi Alderman and “The Female Brain”by Louann Brizendine, M.D

I decided to do these book review together because they truly tell a very similar story, but are set about in entirely different lights.

“The Power”

A truly brutally honest and fascinating fictitious novel. Hand crafted towards any girls aspirations of harnessing the energy of the universe and truly being unstoppable. It contains all aspects of a perfect story, and is told from different views of various characters in the novel. It’s a quick and easy read and definitely a recommended read for all those strong women out there. It delves into the uncomfortable jobs/ topics: social situations and gender stereotypes types there are out there. Not to mention taking a very original approach to the subject of religion.

I find myself reading novels nowadays that aren’t too lengthy and this fits the cut perfectly. It’s one of those J. K. Rowling type of reads where the pages keep on turning and you lose track of time. It is although very intense and does make you question a lot about our world, but that exact character is what made me that much more captivated by the book.

“The Female Brain”

A true representation of the vastness and greatness of our complex female minds. The book tends to be fair in its approach and medical facts and research are reported every so easily and accurately in a very NON- boring manner. It’s a must read for men and women. I loved this book because it made me understand myself better as a female and appreciate the beauty of feminine energy.