Because I can never share these words with you, because you will never understand or listen to my womanly emotional thoughts. I shall share it here… for every other human being that has experienced love and loss in their lives to read it and bask in the glory of life itself.
I was the awkward turtle, the girl in her group of ridiculously beautiful friend that held their handbags and kept their seats when guys would talk to them. The girl that had all this potential but never truly obtained any of it because my mindset always made myself that girl.
So I changed, I chose to be unapologetically me, I chose to follow my dreams and desires and I vowed to always be humble and true to myself no matter what. And guess what? Life came to the party! I began to excel in my studies , I made amazing real friends , I became the human being that I always saw myself as. That’s when I met my best friend, whom at the time I had NO idea would become the person that I would hold closest to my heart. It was an encounter , so random , in a hotel lobby with both sets of our parents along side us, a simple hello – we are going to be studying together. I completely brushed it off, blushed to the side and moved on. This stranger has made eye contact with me so intensely and so non judgmentally that it left me very uneasy so I ignored it and vowed to stay away , because well I needed to study and focus on that aspect of this new venture in life.
I continued about and as the universe had it we became inseparable , he became my best friend. No romance, just 2 human beings that had found each other on a tiny island against all odds. We were each other’s strengths , we grew each other , through all of his relationships with various girls, through all of my hard times with my physical appearance , through life’s lemons and especially through the good times.
It wasn’t until 2.5 years of this amazing friendship had manifested that a moment of INTENSITY occurred, it was after dinner I was leaving his apartment in my little white car (that died soon after this encounter), that we had this moment of fire … that changed everything for us , it was the moment that spurred on feelings we had maybe been masking or developing over time and we both knew from that day onward that we had to solidify it or confirm that feeling. Best way? Like any other 20 odd year old human being – to seal it with a kiss!
Flash forward a month or 2 and the magical kiss occurred on my Birthday 2014. It was a lot of ups and downs there after, a lot of benefits, a lot of turmoil for our minds. A lot of escaping and really treating each other in an utterly confused manner. A lot of not being able to own up to such intense love at such a young age, until we decided to actually stick around even after distance separated us.
We consciously tried to make it work and successfully did so for 2 whole years until 2019 hit us in the face. 2 years of long distance , 2 years of exams , failure, hardships , not having jobs , trying to adapts to our now new lives back in our family homes, trying to encompass it all and make it all work , we were truly a ticking time bomb. And I used to think to myself, if we can make it through this absolute shit, we can make it through anything, this time in our lives truly tested our relationship.
We both had never felt so complete, so whole and so happy. But what I thought was happy was making him feel less of a man, he said that the love took over his world, he said that, that’s all he could see and he felt as if he was losing himself. He broke me down with words, tore all the love we had into shredded tiny pieces and scattered it all over the place. He made me feel as if my womanly energy had destroyed his masculine greatness , and that was the point at which I knew I needed to detach myself. HE has lost himself , so because I loved him so much and don’t think I’ll ever stop, I removed myself so that he could feel whole again. I took away my happiness to see him thrive again. It just makes my heart so heavy that it had to be at the expense of our beautiful love. I hope people see us for what we are, I hope the universe brings people like you and I back together in a non toxic way, I hope there’s some magical reason or explanation for this terrible life lesson that we’ve been dealt with. I hope there’s a win for us both soon!
I know when you started reading this you thought it would turn out great hey? All the best friendships end with great love. Yes I know we love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship last. Don’t get me wrong , I still dream or rather hope, that he would rock up at my front door, just with himself and his mind, I still have hope even though I know I shouldn’t. But that’s what never escaped from Pandora’s box? HOPE, the fundamental start and end to all misery.
It isn’t enough when 2 can’t seem to tango together , it isn’t enough when 2 can’t see eye to eye. MINDSET , is the 1st pillar that holds relationships together.
So to my love, the one that I loved and still love so very dearly , firstly thank you for being honest with yourself and with me and letting me go. Thank you for breaking me down and making me stronger. Thank you for making me feel so lost in life now that I really have no choice but to rise from my own ashes. Thank you for this major reality check in life , to say that life is definitely far from perfect and I shouldn’t have ever gotten my hopes up.
Thank you for the most painful reminder , that in life there is only me, and everything else is simply along side my being , I walk these roads alone and always will.
Thank you for making me understand that I have to do this on my own.